Did you hear the breaking news report this week that a female breast was displayed at a Dubuque swimming pool?
OK, there were actually lots of female breasts on display, but the one that made the news had a baby attached to it.
Some poor woman obviously ignored Victoria’s Secret memo that only decorative models are suitable for public display. So, let’s review:
Breasts selling hamburgers? Acceptable use.
Breasts displayed at car shows or professional wrestling matches? Time-honored acceptable use.
Breasts adorned with owl eyeballs? Restaurant genius!
Breasts nourishing a child? Clear indicator of society’s moral decay.
Women must stop spreading the lie that breasts have a function other than marketing and sexual arousal. To think that such a myth was promulgated at a public swimming pool after so much media attention has been devoted to proper breast bikini placement is disheartening.
Dubuque may have the largest right-to-life movement in the state, but that doesn’t mean people want a front-row seat to the aftermath. Women running about town flaunting and feeding the fruit of their labor makes the ditches alongside Highway 20 overflow with the tears of Dubuque’s famous Gas Station Jesus.
When the cars can’t safely travel down the road, how will people view the dairy-free breasts on the billboards, not to mention the happy, breast-free baby faces on the anti-abortion signs? God wasn’t only thinking of goats and cows when he created and installed electronic-milking devices in rural barns.
Some have even asserted that this type of exhibitionism, clearly intended to rock the foundation of marriage and advance a “Full Monty” agenda, is legal. We all know our lawmakers are alive today because their mothers either stayed safely at home or were thoughtful enough to build their infant’s immunity in public bathroom stalls. Why else would those mounted rolls of toilet paper be so soft if not to cushion the head of a newborn?
Those that did venture out were certainly sensible enough to know the thousands they spent on unnecessary powdered feeding replacement kept the nation from economic collapse.
One of the last great marketing mysteries is why the formula industry has shied away from embracing breast marketing — they can sell everything else.
Even in emergency situations, discreet and modest women know to fully tent themselves before allowing a child to latch upon a nipple. Lack of oxygen and profuse sweating builds character.
It’s a wonder why more restaurants don’t offer blankets with every kid’s meal. Those children willful enough to knock their blanket aside should just go hungry until they are willing to eat in isolation.
In the future, ladies, we need to think of the children — not the crying, hungry ones, but of the ones rendered temporarily blind when a shocked adult slaps a hand out to cover their eyes. One two-second flash of female nipple could result in a whiplash injury for a young child or any number of teen and adult males.
Like the experts say: hiding lactating breasts is best … or something like that.
This column by Lynda Waddington originally published in The Gazette on August 2, 2015. Photo credit: Julie Koehn/The Gazette